Divorce and Cancer
Hester Hill Schnipper, LICSW, OSW-C Program Manager, Oncology Social Work
MAY 24, 2017
It may or may not surprise you that the divorce rate for couples going
through or shortly after cancer is about the same as the national
average--unless the woman is the cancer patient. The
overall divorce rate for cancer patients is about 11.6 percent, similar to the risk for the population as a whole. However, if the cancer patient is a woman, a 2009 study in the journal Cancer, she is six times more likely to suffer divorce during cancer than a male patient
There are lots of ways to jump to conclusions about this, but I suspect it is way more layered and complicated than just guessing that men are less good caretakers or less willing to stick around a sick spouse.
I have heard a few horrific stories through the years about fleeing husbands. One husband drove his wife home from her bilateral mastectomies. He carried her suitcase into the house (not even to the bedroom!), and then said: "I can't do this." And he walked out. For good. For every story like that, I have heard hundreds about supportive and loving spouses who were scared and sad but ever present.
I have known quite a few women who decided, with the keen perspective of cancer, that life is too short to be in a bad relationship and have initialed a divorce.
In 1993, when I had the first breast cancer, I was a couple of years post divorce. Shortly after surgery, I received a legal letter stating that my ex-husband was trying to reduce child support payments, and I was given a court date. The court date was maybe a week after surgery, and I still had drains. I also had an appointment with my surgeon that morning; she was duly horrified and offered to lend me a sweater with blood stains to wear before the judge. I declined. However, after just telling my lawyer that I needed to speak with my ex-husband once the proceedings were done, I had the most satisfying moment of the year. The context is that I had really loved my mother-in-law, and she had died a few years earlier from breast cancer. I walked up to my ex-husband and said: "Your mother would be ashamed of you."
I am only a little ashamed of myself for that outright mean comment. But, boy, it felt good. And she would have been!
From Heather Millar and Web MD comes this essay:
Divorce During Cancer
By Heather Millar
Cancer requires courage, understanding, patience and communication – not
just from you, but from
everyone around you. Not every person, not every relationship, proves up to
the task. Fear, anxiety,
resentment, exhaustion, grief—that toxic combination can sink relationships. This is especially true if you are female. It may be cold comfort, but if your marriage is faltering during your cancer journey, you are not alone.